


Brian Lost

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Ethan Gold Bashing, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-09
Updated: 2004-05-12
Packaged: 2018-12-27 13:25:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12081939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin comes back to Brian, in a less than desired way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Brian stares at the computer screen for another minute and then rubs his eyes. He wanders into the kitchen and grabs a bottle of water. He tries to focus on the campaign. The idiot twins have fucked it up royally and he had no time to deal with sending it back four hundred more times. He took a deep breathe and closed his eyes tightly willing the headache to go away. He walked over to his desk and sat down. He began pulling open drawers in search of his stress squeezy ball…it wasn’t really a ball it was shaped kind of like a penis…it was times like these when Brian liked to pretend that it was Bill or Brad’s dick he was squeezing, squashing, immobilizing. He couldn’t find it so he slammed all the drawers shut and then finally decided to give up working on the campaign and go to bed. Things had been shitty lately, but he didn’t want to think about why.

Brian climbed into bed and pulled the duvet up around him. He still slept only on the left side of the bed, leaving the right side, Justin’s side open. After Justin moved in he had found it difficult to share his bed, to keep to one side instead of the middle. But now, he couldn’t bring himself to slide over those few inches, again, he didn’t want to think about why. He stared across the bed in the blue light and watched Justin’s pillow as it…did nothing. He briefly wondered why he was staring at Justin’s pillow and then he realized that he didn’t want to think about it. He closed his eyes and felt himself drift off to sleep.

Brian was dreaming that he was in the office at Vanguard. And he was being chased by Bill and Brad who were carrying excessively blown up copies of the layouts they did-the copies were bigger than them. The men were chasing after him waving the boards around like weapons. Brian was running and running and he ran right into a glass pane. On the other side all of his friends stood. Brian was banging on the glass trying to get their attention but they were all facing the other way. He was pounding so loud he just kept pounding…

Brian woke up with a start and still heard the pounding and then he realized it was coming from his door. Fuck! Who was banging on his goddamned door this late? Couldn’t be Mikey, or Deb, or Linds because they all have keys. And he swore to god if it was Emmett or Ted he’d murder them. He climbed out of bed and wandered down toward the door. The banging stopped suddenly and Brian’s anger flared at the thought that somebody would pound on his door for 5 minutes and then leave. He pulled open the loft door and came face to face with ocean blue eyes. Brian stared at Justin and felt his body begin to shake. Blood, blood on his face, on his head, in THAT spot. Blood on his mouth, nose, trailing down his shirt. And bruising around his eyes and cheekbones. Brain took in everything, and Justin attempted to take a step but the blonde fell into Brian’s arms. Brian collapsed to the floor holding Justin’s frail form as close as he could. 

Brian could barely breathe, he could barely think. He felt as though somebody had ripped his heart from his chest and he was here on the floor in his loft holding his heart in his arms, battered and bloody. He gently laid Justin on the ground and went to grab his leather coat. He laid it over the top of Justin and then headed out of the loft carrying Justin in his arms. 

When got to the Jeep he fished the keys from the pocket and pushed the unlock button as he moved toward the car opened the door and lay Justin in the passenger’s seat. Brian ran around to the driver’s side climbed in and started the car. As he made his way to Alleghany Medical Center he glanced over at Justin every two seconds, just barely keeping his eyes on the road. About a block away from the hospital Justin began to mumble phases. His voice was strained and full of fear.

“Bri…I need…find you.”

Brian reached over and put his hand over Justin’s, rubbing his palm. 

“Lost…I lost him…” Tears began to fall rapidly from Justin’s eyes. “Need…he…keep safe.”

Brian’s heart ached and he wanted to pull Justin close and tell him that he was right here, that he would keep Justin safe. But he had to get him to a hospital. Justin continued to ramble, as Brian pulled to a stop in the emergency lane in front of the hospital. 

“Bri-an. Where are you?” Justin was searching.

Brian lifted him out of the jeep and carried him into the hospital. 

\----

An hour later Justin had been moved to a recovery room. Brian stood outside a large window that looked into Justin’s room and found himself flashing back to that night—those nights—where he had stood in almost that exact same spot. Christ that was almost three years ago. He watched Justin breathe and saw the tear tracks on his face, he wanted, needed to go in and help him. This time he wouldn’t just watch…however, as he made his way to the door a doctor approached him.

The man was probably in his late forties, and he looked worn. He carried several clipboards with him and he looked Brian over as he approached.

“Are you family of Justin Taylor?” 

“No…” Brian said, “I’m his…I’m a friend.”

The doctor’s voice was clouded with suspicion. “Do you know how this happened to him?”

He knew that tone; it was the same tone that Jack had gotten when he’d beat Brian badly to warrant stitches or even a cast. It was a loaded question- the man was just waiting for Brian to say that he fell down stairs, or ran into a door. Those excuses were more revealing than the truth. The doctor wasn’t asking what happened, not really, he was asking did you do this?  
“I don’t know…He showed up at my house like this…” Brian’s voice wavered and held none of his usual cockiness. “…I…he…was just…I don’t know.”

The doctor watched Brian’s eyes and seemed to accept that Brian hadn’t beat the shit out of Justin. 

“Okay. He’s got a couple broken ribs, his left wrist is fractured and he has a cut on his forehead.” The doctor listed off Justin’s injuries and Brian felt weaker with each one. “We found a scar not more than a centimeter away from this new cut- would you happen to know what that is from?”

“He was attacked 3 years ago, the guy…hit him with a baseball bat.” Brian said steadily, “He was in a coma.”

“Okay we’ll run a CAT scan then.” The doctor made some notes on his chart and then hesitated a bit before his next question. “Do you know of anybody who would do this? His father maybe? Not all of the bruises are fresh, in fact, some are weeks old.”

“No…his father moved out of state, Justin was living with…” The realization hit him, that bastard…he would pay for this. “—I, I have to go. There will be family members here soon.”

Brian sprinted down the corridor narrowly avoiding other people.

\---

Brian climbed in his jeep and pulled out of the hospital lot with a squeal of tires. He was speeding down the streets paying no attention to stop signs or lights. He pulled out his cell phone and hit the memory dial 2. 

“WHAT THE FUCK?” Deb screeched over the phone.

“Deb.” Brian started.

“Brian? WHY THE FUCK are you calling me at” there was a pause. “At four in the morning…Christ.”

“Deb.” Bran stopped her rampage. “I need to you go to Alleghany Med Center.”

“What? Brian…what’s wrong?” 

“Deb I need you to go, and call Jennifer Taylor. Justin’s in the hospital.”

“Bri—what the fuck happened?”

“Deb I don’t have time. Please go—make sure somebody is there when he wakes up.”

“Brian—why the fuck— ”

Brian hung up the phone as he pulled up outside the dingy apartment building. He looked up at the single light that was on in the building. Brian sat for a minute and then got out of the car.

\---  
As he came up the stairs toward the door he could hear screeching violin music penetrating the thin walls. Brian moved to the door and wrapped his fingers around the doorknob. He turned it and stepped in. The violinist stood with his back to the door playing with a furious pace. As he heard the door shut, Ethan stopped playing and held the instrument at his sides. He stood with his back to Brian as he spoke.

“Why do you do these things? You make me so mad, and you make me do this. I never mean to hurt you. I love you. Its just—” Ethan turned around and stopped mid sentence as he saw Brian standing there.

All the anger Brian had been holding reached the breaking point and he was next to Ethan in a second. He slammed the smaller man against the wall shaking the entire building, it felt like. He held the boy there with one hand around his neck and leaned down close to his face.

“You little fucker.” Brian spoke. 

Brian grabbed Ethan’s violin and held it up for Ethan to have one last look. And then with all the strength in his body he hurled it across the room and listened as it shattered against the far sidewall. He pushed Ethan further into the wall and glared at him. Ethan’s eyes were wide with fear and flashed with anger. Brian raised his fist and Ethan tried to move away—then Brian’s cell phone began to ring— Brian reached down still holding Ethan and answered.

“Brian Aiden Kinney get your ASS down here!” Deb screeched. “Justin’s awake.”

“Give me five minutes.”

Brian turned back to Ethan and raised his fist again.


	2. Brian Lost

Brian walked down hall calmly trying not to rush, trying not to run. He reached the hall where Justin’s room was and found everybody there. Vic, Michael and Ben, Lindsay, Mel and a sleeping Gus. Emmett and Ted, and then Jennifer and Molly. The women were crying, so was Emmett as he clutched Ted’s hand so tightly it showed on Ted’s face. Molly was crying as well, but at 8 years old she probably wasn’t sure why. Vic held Gus and Mel held Lindsay. Deb was absent though. They all looked up and the same emotional rollercoaster played on their face anger, fear, sadness, and pity. Brian paid no attention and let no emotion show. He knew what most were thinking: heartless. Jennifer Taylor stood and marched deliberately toward Brian. 

“What did you do…” Jennifer began.

“Jen…” Brian cut her off. “Ethan. It was Ethan.”

Jen took a step back and her emotions played on her face, she couldn’t hide them, it was something Justin had inherited. Brian recognized her look: Betrayal. He had spent enough time cautiously questioning the boys to know that Jen had adored the fiddler almost as much as her son had. Invited him to dinners, family get-togethers the whole deal. She thought he was a “nice boy”, so unlike Brian.

“I’m sorry.” She said dazed, after a while.

He held his tongue and just nodded his head down. He flexed the fingers of his right hand, it was beginning to tense and swell Jen’s eyes fell to his hand.

“What did you do to your hand?” Jen asked with a slight accusation.

“I paid Ethan a visit.” Jen’s eyes went wide and then softened and Brian just looked away. Jen lifted his chin gently with her fingers and caught the slight glimmer of tears in Brian’s eyes.

“Go see him.” She said. “He’s been asking for you.”

Brian nodded and walked toward Justin’s room. He passed the window and looked in to see the back of Deb’s head. Her hand was slowly stroking Justin’s hair, Justin appeared to be sleeping. Brian moved to the door and then opened it slowly. He stepped in and Deb looked up. She motioned for him to stay back and she walked over to him. 

“He was asking for you. He just fell asleep.” Deb said softly. “Kids scared out of his wits, said that he needed you to be here or he wasn’t safe.”

“Deb…I” Brian didn’t want to hear what Justin had been saying. Deb held up her hand to stop him.

“It’s not your fault he’s where he is. But you can help him Brian…you know where he’s at, as much as I hate to say it- you’ve been there.” Deb watched Justin carefully. “None of the rest of us will understand, you do. And even if you didn’t, he loves you…” Deb paused. “Do you love him?”

Brian didn’t answer instead he looked at Justin and tried to fight of his tears. It was quiet for a while and he turned to find Deb had been staring at his profile.

She just nodded slightly. “That’s what I thought. Watch out for him baby, he needs you—just as much if not more than you need him.”

Brian stood there and listened to Deb leave and then a while longer and just listened to Justin breathe. He moved to the chair and sat down. He stared at the beautiful boy who now lay broken in front of him. Brian’s head swam with more guilt than he ever imagined he’d feel and more than guilt, he felt regret. He regretted not asking him to stay, not begging him to stay. He hated that he had sent Justin to this and he hated that he didn’t know so he could stop this. He was so lost in thought he didn’t know that he was crying until a small hand gently wiped away a tear from his cheek. Brian looked up and clashed with the beautiful blues filled with concern.

“It’s not your fault…” Justin’s voice was low, and weak.

“I…should…I should have…” Brian stammered but Justin shook his head. 

“It was—it was me. I shouldn’t have left, I loved you—I still love you. I just…I wanted you to miss me.” Justin was breathing heavily and tears collected at the corners of his eyes. “ I never meant to stay, but then…I couldn’t leave.”

Brian watched as Justin began to tremble unable to speak for fear that he would lose what control he had left. He breathed deeply and then stood. He walked around to the other side of the bed slipped off his shoes and slipped his body under the covers alongside Justin’s. He carefully pulled the boy in his embrace and whispered into his ear.

“I missed you, Sunshine.” 

Justin’s trembling subsided ever so slightly as he spoke. “I missed you, too.” And again Justin’s tears started again. Brain leaned down and began to sing lightly in his ear.

\----

After Deb had come back and told them Justin was sleeping everybody breathed a little easier but decided to wait until the doctor came back with the CAT scan results before leaving for the night. Emmett got up to head to the restroom but he paused as he passed Justin’s window. He took a step forward and stared his heart breaking and warming simultaneously. Deb noticing Emmett stood and followed Emmett’s line of vision. She gasped loudly and smiled. The rest of the group stood and moved toward the window. Crowded around they were in awe of the sight before them. 

Brian lay behind Justin spooning him Justin’s head tucked under Brian’s chin and Brian’s arm was thrown over Justin’s hip his hand caressing Justin’s hand- massaging it gently. Justin’s face was calm and he had the slightest hint of a smile on his lips. It was Melanie who noticed Brian’s lips were moving.

“He’s whispering something to him,” Mel questioned.   
“Singing, actually.” Said Ben, which caused everybody to turn to him. “I took some sign language classes and we did a session on reading lips,” he explained.

“What is he saying?” Emmett asked quietly.

Ben began to recite the words.

“You are my sunshine,  
My only sunshine  
You make me happy  
When skies are grey

You’ll never know dear  
How much you’ll love me  
Please don’t take my sunshine away…”


End file.
